robrohr.org : humor

Somehow, I can relate.

robrohr — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:07:15 GMT

I find "We the Robots" to be consistently amusing. Check it out.

Philosophy/Gastronomy

robrohr — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:19:45 GMT

I'm a big fan of the web comic, Sheldon. One of the main characters is a talking duck named Arthur, to whom I can particularly relate.

A look back into the vaults...

robrohr — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 03:23:01 GMT

Tom Toles (WaPo, goComics) is a perennial favorite of mine. Here's a comic from back in 2002 that I scanned from my copy of the Funny Times (subscribe if you dare.)

A little holiday spirit...

robrohr — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 16:05:00 GMT

From the comic Able and Baker at: http://jimburgessdesign.com/comics/index.php?comic=641

Update: Posted using Blogmailr, this post originally had 2 copies of the strip included. Wondering if inline images are treated as attachments and appended at the end (as well as their original place in-line.)

Caption contest entry at AmericaBlog

robrohr — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 02:03:00 GMT

I'm a big reader of political blogs, AmericaBlog among them. Back in April, I ran across a caption contest at that site which showed a number of graphics that were generated by the Homeland Security Department in the hopes of conveying useful safety information, without excluding those who don't read English. You can decide for yourself how successful the designers were. Next to each graphic below, I have posted my caption entry, with slight revisions from the original.

1. Government secrets are secret for a very good reason. Because of this, it is important that you do NOT ask to see what is stored in government file cabinets. Freedom Of Information Act (FOIA) requests are a tool of communists and the ACLU. Knowledge of the internal workings of the government will either reduce the effectiveness of anti-terrororist programs or show our European allies and other terrorists how ineffective these programs already are.

2. Should you be stricken by some malady or terrorist act, it is important that you protect your identity. By tattooing the barcode from your National ID card on your torso, looters will be unable to steal your identity and use it to buy DVDs, pornography, auto parts and armaments on the internet. By placing the tattoo on non-prurient areas of your upper thorax, your identity will be easily accessible by police for speedy processing through security checkpoints. Safety tip: looters and terrorists sometimes disguise themselves as liberals, white persons, emergency responders or high government officials.

3. When liberal-americans (communists) counter your deeply held convictions with a barrage of facts and clouds of data, derail the conversation by "losing" your contact lens and crawl into the next room where it is safe to place a call to us at the Department of Homeland Security, notifying us of the location of any terrorist-sympathizers or peace activists still at large.

4. The study of sciences such as biology, chemistry and climatology is dangerous in that it reduces the time available for prayer, contemplation and Bible study. Be assured that the government is gathering massive quantities of the best research produced by American scientists and depositing it into abandoned salt mine shafts in Nevada, two miles below the earth's surface, beneath tons of nuclear waste, minimizing the harm such rational thought can do to our national theology.

5. The noxious bloviation, tortured logic and rhetoric of conservative media outlets such as Fox News and right-wing radio can cause dizzyness, nausea and shooting pains in the listener's neck. By exaggerating the amount of pain you feel, you can stir in the average liberal feelings of compassion, and a desire to ease your suffering. If you receive offers of assistance, ask for Oxycontin, which is quite effective in treating these symptoms. Liberals are more likely to share their prescription medications without charging excessive markup.

6. Beware of any seafood meal that has visible gills or fins. Such meals are usually available only in French restaurants or effete liberal-coastal eateries. If you must eat fish, make sure it comes in one of the following DHS inspected and approved forms: fish-stick, fish-wich, or hockey puck (tuna cans.)

7. In the event of the Rapture, pull over to the side of the road. Quickly but calmly exit the car, and help any travelling companions who are saved out of the vehicle. Find a flat open area from which you can ascend into heaven without interference from overhanging branches or other obstacles. While you are waiting to begin your ascent into heaven, you have a few moments to finish consuming any remaining natural resources.

8. Emergency brakes are notorious for spreading disease. It is best to simply abstain from using the emergency brake altogether. Liberals say you can use a condom on the emergency brake to limit the spread of disease, but what they won't tell you is that condoms are ineffective against the spread of Human Papilloma Virus (HPV,) a leading cause of cervical cancer in people who drive standard transmission. It is best to avoid temptation and leave the emergency brake to Hollywood elitists who screech around corners in car chases.

9. For God's sake, don't even go to San Francisco. Once you enter the city, there is nothing the Department of Homeland Security can do for you.

"Survey Says..."

robrohr — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 11:24:00 GMT

Back in late 2002, I joined the Presidential Prayer Team. The reasons for doing so are many and varied, but I'm still a member to this day. One of the many joys I get from the weekly newsletter is THIS WEEK'S POLL, where I get to select my personal take on nuanced issues of the day from a limited list of carefully crafted answers. Have you ever taken a multiple choice test where none of the answers were even remotely right? When no grades are at stake, it can be rather amusing.

Today (July 27, 2006) I received my weekly newsletter from the Presidential Prayer Team. Oh, bliss! I skipped past such gems as:

Additional Leaders to Pray for This Week
(Sec. Defense, Donald Rumsfeld; Joint Chiefs Chair, Gen. Peter Pace; Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales; and Sec. Commerce, Carlos Gutierrez)
Presidential Quote for the Week
(Intro: "The faith background of President Taft is difficult to determine at best. At times, he declared himself a Unitarian...")
Can Prayer Help Reduce Crime?
("...inviting the faith community to join them for prayer every evening at 7:30 P.M. under a large tent being set up on the National Mall. Supporters will be taking the extraordinary step of praying and believing that God will reduce crime in our nation's capitol over the next six months.")
Godly Words of Inspiration in Two Army Hymns
(lyrics to Old Hundred and God of Our Fathers)

What I really wanted was the survey of the week. I was not at all disappointed by today's offering.

It is indeed rare for a question to be posed so clearly, without leaving gaps between answers where those addicted to nuance can often fall. A typical question would be:

PREVIOUS WEEKLY POLL (April 28, 2005)
How will you be participating in this year's National Day of Prayer?
At home, privately. (38.2%)
With my church, small group or Bible Study. (18.9%)
I won't be participating. (15.6%)
At a gathering in my community. (14.5%)
At work. (12.9%)

Note: At no point did they mention "Running nekkid through the streets, ululating an ode to Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds*, calling down a rain of fire onto this sinful world, wiping this planet clean of all iniquity." If this is your plan, which option do you choose?

Anyway, this week's question was a juicy one. How would my fellow prayer-monkeys vote? (Side note: prayer-monkeys do not like to be called prayer-monkeys, unless they are me.)

The Results!

Well, well, well! It would appear that my fellow prayer-monkeys are having visions of impending armageddon. I suspect this is quite a dangerous thing to do while driving, shaving or visiting the numerous agricultural fairs.

"Mommy can I have a popsicle?"

"Apocalypse? Soon, dear. Soon."

Skeptic that I am, I am convinced that the passage of time is an indication of the nearing of the apocalypse, and, should we be lucky, it will be the expansion of the sun into a red giant that ultimately wipes all life of this surly planet. Looking at these results, I won't be scratching my head so much in the future as I look at survey results from other weekly polls.

These folks have the ear of the President and this Administration. These folks are running the FDA, NSF. These folks are representing us at global talks on poverty and setting policy on our behalf about aid to organizations that provide women's health care.

Let us pray...

Update: The results posted were early results with just under a thousand responses. At this point (~1500 responses,) armageddoners are up over 70% and rising. It appears that fundies like to sleep in a bit, or perhaps they like to pray a bit before hopping onto the internets for a little clickety-click, or maybe they are just slow readers.

* I am fairly confident that Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds is a cat.

It's God on the phone for you, and she's pissed!

robrohr — Mon, 23 Jan 2006 03:24:00 GMT

Roe v. Wade passed decided 33 years ago today.

George Bush has issued a proclamation that today be "National Sanctity of Human Life Day - (click for text of proclamation)." Thanks, George.

"Our Nation was founded on the belief that every human being has rights, dignity, and value. On National Sanctity of Human Life Day, we underscore our commitment to building a culture of life where all individuals are welcomed in life and protected in law."

It's nice to know that our dear leader has such a high regard for human life. I'm sure those people who have the misfortune to live in the cross-hairs of American munitions delivery vehicles are comforted by G.W.'s concern for the sanctity of human life.

I'm sure the increasing ranks of the poverty-stricken in the U.S. and abroad, are thrilled that G.W. has gone to the effort of proclaiming today National Sanctity of Human Life Day.

I bet the families of the coal miners in West Virginia can be comforted by the fact that George values the sanctity of human life, almost as much as he values our national ability to extract combustible energy from deep within our soil.

I suspect the President's concern for the sanctity of human life brings solace to those devastated by the ravages of AIDS in sub-saharan Africa. Yeah, I bet this proclamation gives them the hope to carry on, stigmatized, and wasting away to a horrid, painful death.

I suspect the folks trying to rebuild their lives in the ruins of New Orleans are thrilled by the priorities of the CINC.

Wouldn't it be shocking to read an unvarnished proclamation that said what George really feels?

"Our Nation was founded on the belief that every human being has rights, dignity, and value (government actuaries update tables annually which list the exact value of human life, corrected for inflation). Luckily, our citizens allow us to abridge the rights of our citizens and strip them of their dignity in the name of complacency, apathy, and digital cable. Therefore let it be proclaimed that females, never having the capacity to make decisions for themselves, should submit their uteri to the state for the purpose of providing enemy cannon with ready fodder, in the name of spreading our liberties, such as they are, to the furthest heathen corners of the world.
"NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, and/or Diebold and the Supreme Court, do hereby proclaim Sunday, January 22, 2006, as National Sanctity of Human Life Day. I call upon all Americans who are not sufficiently brown to merit summary deportation and rendering to recognize this day with appropriate ceremonies and to reaffirm our commitment to respecting and defending the life and dignity of every republican human being in good standing.

"IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twentieth day of January, in the year of our Lord two thousand six, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirtieth.
"GEORGE W. BUSH"

Thanks again, George. While you're chatting with God, be sure to find out how she feels about torture, and let us know.

Blogging lessons learned...

robrohr — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:21:00 GMT

I have been doing some work winnowing away spammy referrals from M's and my blogs, and in the process have chanced upon an interesting study in how people arrive at my blog from various search engines.

Not only has someone searched for "danger from hamster," but the third link(at the time of this posting) points to this blog post of mine.

Other surprising searches that have yielded hits on my web site:

What they searched for:	What they got
chubby mouse, mouse has lumps on tail, condo mice	Chubby mouse terrorizes house
best team name winners	Monday Mobilizer Madness Winners
average american male	Redesigning the American Male
spongebob wallpaper geek	Who's the spongiest geek in town?
new england pronunciations, new england + (new + hamster)	Wacky New England Pronunciations
yokel gif	Where (oh, where) has my web-yokel gone?
wisdom teeth photos, photoblog tooth, wisdom teeth removal picture	Less Wisdom, Fewer Teeth.
picture of a surprised person	A picture of a very surprised person in Antarctica
un bad, un, bad, why is the UN bad	Time off for double plus un-bad behavior.
docile flies, cats and flies	The Laird of the Flies
hobnail boot	'I' before 'e', except when the hobnail boot of the oppressor...
tantric brussel	We had a deal...
how to type real fast	You can type real fast with your bottom. Nearly 60 uncommonly large words per minute.
are asteroids rocks?	Asteroids rocks!

One very noticeable fact: those who followed the search results to my blog were unlikely to find what they were looking for. I hope I was able to amuse them on their way to the ultimate destination, though.

Finite boy versus the multiverse

robrohr — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 16:52:00 GMT

I've been reading up on the Intelligent Design debate quite a bit lately, and have decided to subject the theories of the ID movement to the flawless logical processes that generated these ideas in the first place.

Premise: Any biological structure that is too statistically improbable to have developed by a random process (i.e., evolution) must have been designed by an intelligent designer.

Other Premise: Any complex structure or chain reaction that, with the removal of any one component of the complex chain, fails completely, is termed irreduceably complex. According to ID proponents, such structures or systems would have to emerge all at once, fully developed, the likelihood of such happening randomly is so startlingly remote, that it must have been the work of an Intelligent Designer who is not necessarily "God" but is definitely more powerful than you or me. Well, you, anyway. Some examples of structures or sequences that are offered up as examples; The eyeball, the bacterial flagellum, blood clotting.

Rob's super duper thought experiment: The argument goes, that the human sack of genetic material is so chock full of remarkable systems that are so wildly unlikely to have happened by chance, that we must have been created by an intelligent designer. In order to tantalize the ID crowd, I'm going to stipulate that this position is true and correct for the duration of this thought experiment. "Have you completely lost your senses?" you say (to me, not the ID crowd, for this is a civil debate.) Bear with me.

For the sake of argument, I have been created by an intelligent designer, whose name is Adrienne. We know this is true because I am obviously too statistically unlikely to have happened by chance. Ask my parents. They took all the precautions.
For the sake of argument, it is even less likely that Adrienne occurred by chance, for designers are predominately more complex than their creations.
Adrienne, the intelligent designer must have been herself designed by another, more intelligent designer. His name, incidentally is Barry.
Before Barry left the family disco band, and began designing highly improbable designers, Barry was himself designed by a more intelligent designer named Carla, who, incidentally worked at Apple on the PowerMacs.
Carla is designed by Devon; Devon designed by Earl; Earl designed by Fiona who disgusted by Earl's work ethic retires in a huff, but not before she can be designed by Gerhard.
I could go on, but I don't want to tax the bandwidth of my server.

If humanity or life or the US tax code is too complex to have developed randomly and is therefore the product of an intelligent designer, you have to be ready to consider the same argument applied to your designer. By this argument, every designer must have been designed, and now you get to explain to me how an infinite number of creators fit into a finite universe, while leaving enough space for tacos, Tom Cruise's ego, and SUVs.

I don't go around trying to disprove the "There is no god but G_d" crew, but I'd say if Intelligent Design and Irreducible Complexity were successful in making their way into the science curriculum, it would only result in introducing malleable young minds to polytheism, for any single designer is too complex to have randomly occurred, and ergo must have been designed. My goal here is not to disprove G_d, nor is it to prove a multiplicity of them, I just think the ID crowd might want to polish up another "scientific theory" if monotheism is at all important.

Chubby Mouse Terrorizes House

robrohr — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 05:23:00 GMT

This evening, as M and I sat working on our respective homeworks, a little bit of a kerfuffle erupted under the stairs. I looked over to see our youngest feline housemate frolicking with some sort of toy on the other side of the apartment. If the headline hasn't given it away already, Ophelia had an exceedingly zaftig mouse skooshed under her paws.

First point: The cat in question, Ophelia, is a super timid cat, and somewhat zaftig herself. She doesn't like strangers, she doesn't like change, and she sure as heck doesn't like exercise. If there is any high speed tromping about the house, Ophelia is usually responsible for the slightly slower, more labored, heavy pawed tromping, whereas Hope, the momma cat, is greased lightening, engaging in cat psychosis at maximum speed.

Second point: Ophelia isn't known for her killer instinct. We had a bit of an infestation of flies a while back and neither cat distinguished themselves as any sort of predator. Their favorite prey is stationary kibble in a dish, and if any kibble falls out of their gnashing maw, it is somehow rendered uncatchable, and must be left on the floor to taunt our fair cats at future meals.

So, when I saw Ophelia actually leaping about under the stairs like some sort of catnip-addled mini-bronco, I figured something was up. As I approached, I noticed a hairball sized lump under her paws. Hmm. Perhaps a hairball. We have no shortage of those. The lump had a tail. Perhaps it's a cat toy. The lump was wriggling. Perhaps it's time for me to run shrieking to the other side of the condo.

Naturally I didn't shriek, as that would be undignified, and might startle Ophelia into dropping the mouse. So I congratulated Ophelia's killer instinct in a nervous, quavering, high-pitched voice from the other side of the condo.

"Er. Margot, I think Oh-ee has a mouse."

As Margot came over to see what was happening, Ophelia decided that she was the center of too much attention, and how is a girl going to torture her snack with all this congressional oversight? She grabbed the mouse in her mouth and headed upstairs. Margot decided this would be a bad idea, as a dropped mouse has a chance of being caught again downstairs, whereas upstairs is a virtual Tora-Bora for little mousey terrorists. Ophelia made it up three steps and promptly dropped the mouse.

Foom! The mouse made a zaftig beeline for the dining area, with both cats in hot pursuit. At this point, I am on the other side of the divider wall from all the action. Ophelia, Hope, and Zaftig Q. Mouse are involved in some sort of high drama that involves cats leaping about, some rather strident squeaking (I continue to insist that the mouse was responsible for this, not I) and some possum playing (again, the mouse), a nose-to-nose stare-down, and the eventual procurement of a box, under which brave Margot eventually trapped the mouse that Hope and Oh decided was apparently not worth eating.

Since the mouse was lucky enough to infiltrate a household populated by liberals (the people) and socialists (the cats) we decided on a catch-and-release system of summary justice, and I was dispatched to the hinterlands of the condominiums commons to reintroduce this mouse to his/her skinnier brethren/sistren, and let the neighborhood mice democratically decide the fate of Stuart "Little."

Our heart rates have returned to normal, and the hockey sticks have been located, so any future mice can be wristed from the condo in a more satisfying, though assuredly less humane fashion. Have we learned anything from all this? Only that allegedly starving cats won't wolf down the only fresh meat they are likely to see this year, and a mouse the size of a small pizza doesn't have what it takes to disrupt the lives of freedom loving Americans, like Hope, Ophelia, Margot and I. That mouse may hate our liberty, but there is nothing that can keep us from taking the battle to the beagle next door. Set water pistols on stun! Victory!

In which a boy learns something new about his darling...

robrohr — Sun, 02 Oct 2005 14:20:00 GMT

Margot was working out holiday travel plans and asked me about the timing of my final exams. I had her bring up my email on her computer so she could check my calendar. Once we were done, she asked me, "Can I send spam from your account?"

"Sure."

"You just said so because you know I wouldn't really do it."

"That's because you're an ethical person."

"Mostly."

Okay, I'll bite. "In what sort of situation would you not be an ethical person?"

"When yarn is involved."

"What would you do for yarn?"

Pause.

"Kill kittens."*

I love this girl.

* For any kittens who happen to run across this blog entry and aren't sure whether or not to take Margot at her word, be assured that you are completely safe. There are two kittens that have lived in close harmony with Margot for over a decade, and they would gladly provide glowing references as to her sterling moral character, as well as her love and devotion to the fur-beasts in question. One of the reasons this is so amusing is Margot's complete aversion to violence, her adoration of kitties, and the soft spot in her heart for the completely adorable antics of kittens. Should you feel threatened by Margot for whatever reason, blink your big kitten eyes at her, lick your chops innocently, flip over and show her your belly, while holding your paws like a little T-Rex, and try not to burp up any of her yarn.

Channel9 Guy to the rescue

robrohr — Fri, 22 Jul 2005 13:23:00 GMT

The Channel9 Guy squish toy that I got for sending a postcard to the folks at Channel9 has turned out to be one of the bravest squish toys in my collection. Recently, after being fed up with Imperial policies, the Channel9 Guy was involved in a standoff, Tianamen style, with an Imperial AT-AT. Apparently, beneath the squishy exterior lies a core of steel, or at least a significantly less squishy center.

You can get your own 9 Guy by sending a postcard to:

Robert Scoble
c/o Microsoft Corporation
One Microsoft Way
Redmond, WA 98052

See pictures of the global travels of the 9 Guy at Channel9, along with interviews of the folks working on the guts of various Microsoft products.

If I had a hamster...

robrohr — Mon, 30 May 2005 17:04:00 GMT

...I'd hamster in the morning.
I'd hamster in the evening all over this land.
I'd hamster out danger...
I'd hamster out a warning...
I'd hamster out love between my hamster and my (other) hamster...
...Aaaaaaa-allll over this land.

Along the lines of my earlier Wacky New England Pronunciations post, I've decided that if I had a hamster, I would name her Hamcester.

Redesigning the American Male

robrohr — Sun, 06 Mar 2005 02:45:00 GMT

Margot seems to think there may be a few design flaws in the average American male. Lets be realistic. She means me.

If I were equipped with the keys for the three-fingered salute, and could be rebooted, we'd be able to avoid a lot of problems.

I'm sure, if pressed she could come up with a lot of other ideas for improvement to the basic boy design.