Rob and Margot online

For God's sake, don't even go to San Francisco. Once you enter the city, there is nothing the Department of Homeland Security can do for you.

Beware of any seafood meal that has visible gills or fins. Such meals are usually available only in French restaurants or effete liberal-coastal eateries. If you must eat fish, make sure it comes in one of the following DHS inspected and approved forms: fish-stick, fish-wich, or hockey puck (tuna cans.)

In the event of the Rapture, pull over to the side of the road. Quickly but calmly exit the car, and help any travelling companions who are saved out of the vehicle. Find a flat open area from which you can ascend into heaven without interference from overhanging branches or other obstacles. While you are waiting to begin your ascent into heaven, ...

Emergency brakes are notorious for spreading disease. It is best to simply abstain from using the emergency brake altogether. Liberals say you can use a condom on the emergency brake to limit the spread of disease, but what they won't tell you is that condoms are ineffective against the spread of Human Papilloma Virus (HPV,) a leading cause of ...

When liberal-americans (communists) counter your deeply held convictions with a barrage of facts and clouds of data, derail the conversation by ''losing'' your contact lens and crawl into the next room where it is safe to place a call to us at the Department of Homeland Security, notifying us of the location of any terrorist-sympathizers or peace ...

The study of sciences such as biology, chemistry and climatology is dangerous in that it reduces the time available for prayer, contemplation and Bible study. Be assured that the government is gathering massive quantities of the best research produced by American scientists and depositing it into abandoned salt mine shafts in Nevada, two miles ...

The noxious bloviation, tortured logic and rhetoric of conservative media outlets such as Fox News and right-wing radio can cause dizzyness, nausea and shooting pains in the listener's neck. By exaggerating the amount of pain you feel, you can stir in the average liberal feelings of compassion, and a desire to ease your suffering. If you receive ...

Should you be stricken by some malady or terrorist act, it is important that you protect your identity. By tattooing the barcode from your National ID card on your torso, looters will be unable to steal your identity and use it to buy DVDs, pornography, auto parts and armaments on the internet. By placing the tattoo on non-prurient areas of your ...

Government secrets are secret for a very good reason. Because of this, it is important that you do NOT ask to see what is stored in government file cabinets. Freedom Of Information Act (FOIA) requests are a tool of communists and the ACLU. Knowledge of the internal workings of the government will either reduce the effectiveness of anti-terrororist ...

Today I learned something. If you post a contest to your blog, immediately receive an incomplete entry, and then swiftly edit the post to clarify the rules... All your readers on RSS feeds will read the original, incorrect post. Sorry y'all. The contest has been corrected in the previous post. I know better now, and all future contests will ...